


Blood

by sunshineboy1981



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ANGSTY ANGST ANGST, Angst, Demon Blood Addict Sam Winchester, Drug Addiction, Emotional, Hopefully not very long, M/M, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad Sam Winchester, Sam Has Powers, Season/Series 11, Sick Sam Winchester, Somewhat suicidal thoughts, enjoy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 20:10:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17773442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshineboy1981/pseuds/sunshineboy1981
Summary: Sam and Dean... they aren't doing so good right now. But they'll make it through. It's in their blood.





	Blood

It seemed as though Sam's veins were accustomed to blood that wasn't his own. It was only at six months that Azazel had tainted them, after all. He couldn't be blamed, not truly. It was instinct at this point not to want too much of his blood to be truly his. Sam couldn't allow himself to be too human. Back when Crowley injected himself with human blood, it softened him. It made him seem more human, more alive. 

Perhaps Sam was never meant to be human or alive. Perhaps Azazel sensed that. Maybe the lack of demon blood reminds him of the monster he has been since birth. The monster that he couldn't even blame Azazel for making him. Maybe Azazel just sensed what he already was, was trying to assist. How sick must he be? To be thankful of the demon who infected him as an infant. 

Drugs, he supposed, were a dangerous thing. An odd dangerous that Sam wasn't used to. It wasn't the kind of danger that was immediate and threatening, nor underlying and ready to kill. This wasn't the kind of danger that made Sam's muscles tense, his head race and pupils blow. This wasn't the kind of danger that Sam was raised in, but it seemed to be the kind that he was born for. That didn't make it the kind of danger he was willing to drag Dean into. "Luckily", he didn't even know where Dean  _was_. He hadn't for a while.

Dean had a tendency to wander nowadays. There was no real way to tell where he was going that didn't include stalking, begging, interrogation, or any other thing that would easily start an argument with his older brother. It wasn't as though Dean needed  _more_ reasons to leave. It often felt like Dean was a pretty face in a bar away from never coming back and Sam had no way to know nor stop it.

Ever since he had received the Mark of Cain, Dean had been understandably distant. Arbitrarily, Sam had though,  _hoped_ , that breaking the spell, removing the mark, would make things go back to the way they were before; but then Amara showed up. She was ancient, powerful, and her attention was zeroed in on the eldest Winchester. Honestly, it was no wonder if Dean wanted to pour all of his time and energy into looking for her for a completely different reason than killing her. If maybe it was to explore their bond.

Sam wasn't sure he wanted to understand the bond that Amara claimed that she shared with Dean, but she claimed it to be more special than anything the man had held with anybody else - Sam included - and it needed to be explored. It was originally completely incomprehensible to Sam to imagine anybody else sharing anything even close to what he held with his brother, but it slowly became a growing reality. The two seemed in sync in a way that Sam couldn't even rival. It broke something in Sam's chest to see somebody who used to rely on him so closely, who he needed just the same, drift away slowly through his fingertips. The only upside visible to Sam was that, without the watchful eye of Big Brother, he could thoroughly indulge. 

He didn't particularly  _mean_ to fall back into this drug. It wasn't something that he ever wanted to do, after the detoxing and the fighting urges and the stabbing cravings, this was the last thing he would ever want to do. Running back to the poison, running back to demon blood. It made him hate himself, but Sam was weak. It wasn't the most humane, the way Sam would get his fix, it made him feel like a vampire, like a monster, the way that Dean had told him so long ago. , and they were practically  _running after him_. So what if he... took some opportunities. Who could really blame him? He was an addict, after all.

Sam had a love-hate relationship with that word. It took the responsibility away from his hands while it placed him into a position subordinate to the substance. He was in a position lower than the drug, lower than the tainted blood that took over his life. While it put him in that powerless position, it also made it not his fault. It took away some of the guilt, some of the hatred inside of his veins alongside the blood. While the title of 'addict' made him weak, it also made him no longer the monster. _"Oh, Sammy couldn't control it! He's just an addict! Poor thing..."_

Now, the  _poor thing_ was sitting in a fridge of blood hidden in his closet, now he was wasting medical supplies that could be used finding Amara. Wasting a brain that could be useful in the fight on getting high, feeling powerful. Maybe his powers emerging once again would help, though. Maybe his shame could make Dean proud.

Now, the  _poor thing_ was drinking whiskey and shooting up. The alcohol slowly affecting his blood less and less, the blood affecting him more and more. Here he was, waiting to die. Maybe it would kill him this time around.

Laughing, Sam was throwing the empty bottle around with his new found power, the power that was beginning to once again surge through him. It made him think of Lilith, of Ruby, of his sins and his lies and the hate in Dean's eyes. He felt himself becoming the monster that he had somehow always known that he was..

Eventually, in a surge of emotion, Sam threw the bottle against a wall, shattering it without lifting a finger. Exhausted emotionally, and possibly physically, he couldn't tell, Sam fell asleep on the floor in the hall. 

**Author's Note:**

> Dunno why I thought that this would be a good idea, but I may continue this. Not sure. Thanks for reading.


End file.
